Review – Boundaries Face to Face

Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been AvoidingBoundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

All conversations start and end with a focus on the future.

Any moment of any conversation not seeking the other person’s best interest is a waste of breath at best, and can quickly become destructive.

Best practice is to have no ‘wants’ out of another person; the practical next best option is to state wants clearly. Stating wants reminds yourself and the listener these are wants, the listener is under no obligation to meet these expectations.

Be specific in feedback. Give examples of the exact wrong, separating the person from the action.

Setup accountability going into difficult conversations. Let a trusted friend know your headed into a conversation that prove difficult. Follow-up with the accountability partner immediately afterwards.

Put Them in the Circle

It’s rather easy to love the people who are near and dear, but that’s not the calling set before us.

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Matthew 5: 44 & 45

anger

Many people in my life are easy to love. They fit neatly into circles – Family, Nice Friends, Fun Co-workers, Disease-Free Neighbors, Engaging Celebrities.

There’s plenty of space for these wonderful people on little prayer cards. They get full pages in my bullet journal.

But what about the people who don’t quite fit so neatly into my life? There’s a maximum amount of stress I can tolerate; my patience meter only goes so high.

Some people are on Santa’s Naughty List, there’s no other place for them. These folks are mean, rotten and probably even smell like elderberries. If given the opportunity, I would fart in their general direction.

That’s the problem – if given the chance to be gracious, I would (and often have) been ruthless, or at least, sought revenge. While family creates an orderly grouping, a helpful strategy is to draw a circle around all the jerks I associate with, and love on that group just as much as the others. Get to know them, be patient and kind to them.

I have more in common with some of the best jerks I know, even more in common than I have with the kind and tenderhearted people in my life. If my name were added to a list, there’s not doubt which list it would be included – and I have received infinity more patience and goodness than I deserve.

 

 

 

8 Weeks Old

This weekend you are eight weeks old. I had to spend the night away from you for the first time to attend the funeral of my grandmothers, Mary Elon Morris Morgan.

Your great-grandparents were very generous and giving people. The Internal Revenue Service audited them frequently because they couldn’t understand how a family with 6 kids could manage to give away so much of their income each year.

Owen
Owen at 5 days old.

Your grandparents, Doug and Debbie, both played the piano at the funeral, and Doug spoke on behalf of the family. Doug cried, which was difficult to watch. He and his mom didn’t have the easiest of relationships, but he said, “she made sure her children knew the standard.”

She loved her children enough to discipline them when they were out of line, or as she used to say, “cut the blood wholloping.” Which was to use a switch across the back of the legs until little beads of blood appeared.

I don’t have any plans to switch you: look at that face. How could I?

 

Leadership Resolutions

Leadership Resolutions – Link to Original

By Jack and Suzy Welch

New Year resolutions — who keeps them? Practically no one. But if you’re a leader, be it of three people or 3,000, it’s your flat-out responsibility to not just go into work every day and improvise around the latest crisis or email flurry or employee meltdown, but to go into work every day with a cohesive plan of action about how you’re going to lead. Otherwise, why would anyone follow you, except that they simply have to?

That’s no good.

So here’s to 2014, and 10 resolutions to make it a very good year — for you, and for the team you lead.

1) Get In Their Skin

From the day you become a leader, your biggest role is to build trust, respect and support from your team. A mutual respect. As long as they deliver, you will support them and stand up for them in every way — and they know it. It’s a never-ending job and you can never slip up.

2) Over-Communicate

It’s your job to communicate your message, your values, what’s right about what’s happening, and what’s wrong — over and over and over again. There can be no lack of transparency. Everybody has to be on the same page. Even when you’re ready to gag over the message, you have to keep communicating it.

3) Follow-Up Relentlessly

Just because you say something once, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Too often, managers think, “Hey, I told my team what to do.” Then they come back a week later and nothing has happened. Yes, your job is to set the direction. But you also have to make it your mission to follow up — relentlessly — to see that things are moving in the right direction.

4) Create a Rallying Cry

I’ve always found that defining an enemy is very helpful. Define a competitor that’s coming after you. Rally the team around every win you have against them, every new product you introduce that’s better than theirs. Make that competitor come alive as your true enemy and you’ll see your team galvanize around beating them and winning in the marketplace.

5) Realize Personnel Actions Speak Louder Than Words

When you pick someone for a new job, you are defining what’s important. Managers love to give speeches about how their new initiative is the most important thing in the world. But then they put whatever warm body happens to be available in charge of it. Nothing could be worse. When you make an personnel appointment, you’re doing much more than any speech you could ever give. The people in the organization already know who the star performers are. And matching those stars with the projects you claim are important is absolutely critical for your credibility and the trust you want to build.

6) Embrace the Generosity Gene

I happen to believe that every good leader loves to give raises to people. They are thrilled to see their employees grow and be promoted. They are turned on by their success. Good leaders understand that they are only as good as the reflected glory of their people — and so they give until it hurts.

7) Fight Bureaucracy

Remember how much you hated bureaucracy from the bosses above you when they wanted this “i” dotted and this “t” crossed? Guess what? You’re now the leader. Don’t let bureaucracy creep into your place. Just because it’s yours doesn’t make it any prettier than when it was someone else’s. Get rid of clutter. Bureaucracy slows things down and speed is one of the best competitive advantages you can have.

8) Find a Better Way

Recognize that in business, somebody out there is always doing something better than you are. Your team can get insular and come to believe they’re already doing everything right. Your job is to ask, “How can we do it better? Where can we find someone doing it better?” Finding a better way of doing things every single day can become so much more than a slogan. It can become a way of life and make your group stand out above the rest.

9) Own Hiring Mistakes

Look, you’re not the only person in the history of the universe who has ever made a hiring mistake. Once you understand that hiring is hard work and you’ll surely have missteps along the way, realize that you’ve got to deal with mistakes fast and compassionately. Recognize that it was your fault that the fit didn’t work and get on with it. The team will respect you more. The hire you dealt with fairly will respect you more. And your superiors will reward you for your candor and willingness to own up to your error.

10) Dig into Crises

Without doubt, crises are going to erupt in your career. You’ll have someone do something wrong or have to face into a violation somewhere in your organization. To make matters worse, when you first hear about it, you’re not going to get the whole story — after all, you’re the boss. You’re only going to get the tip of the iceberg. Underneath the surface is a very big piece of ice. Your team will come to you and feed you, piece by piece, a slow-drip expose of the crisis. Your job is to dig deep, early and fast, to get it all to the surface. Be candid. Recognize there are no secrets anywhere. Get the right people involved immediately. And you will see a swifter resolution to problems that people all too often try to brush under the table.